going through the motions

in less than one hour i will be driving to an expensive house to tutor a kid on the SAT. i will carefully go over the formula for linear equations and when to use it's vs its, among other crucial SAT content

i spent the day alone, mostly. my boyfriend left this morning, and i went to a coffee shop later for a little. i feel like i mostly wasted the day

i forget, sometimes, that the people around me have dreams/hopes/fears/vulnerabilities/crushes/weird family dynamics/insecurities/fantasies/embarrassing memories. isn't it interesting. that all the randos who create the backdrop of ur life have their own, rich inner worlds. that to them..... u are the rando...... it is interesting!

sometimes i fantasize about being interviewed. about answering questions with perfectly thought-out but self-deprecating answers that will make strangers like and appreciate me

in korean when ppl ask each other how they're doing, they often ask "have you eaten?" (like, that's the literal english translation of the phrase). i'm not sure that's relevant to anything. but it's stuck in my head

have you eaten?

have you eaten?

sometimes its like

wow!!!!! i cannot live in this fleshy meat sack one more second!

there you are

i wish i was more of a permanent thing!
that i didn't flit in and out
at the slightest furrowed brow or genuine smile

charisma is supposedly power+warmth

you need people but you can't need them too much
it seems impossible!!!

challenge cynicism

sometimes i worry it's just too easy and too satisfying

to tear down every well-intentioned concentrated effort

ah!!!! 

i don't know how there are people who don't constantly think

about every problem in the world 

(there are so many problems in the world!!!!)

i want to make the world just a little bit better

i'm not sure if the answer is smiling more

or burning down the flawed system

maybe perm do both?????

i am completely and earnestly writing poetry again!

i will keep on nursing
this ravenous, mortifying fire

life is too boring otherwise

it's not even...... i don't know
i don't even know what i want

i want you to remember all those dumb, casual details
i want to hear about your mortifying 7th grade experiences
(every SINGLE one)
i want you to let me pop the zits on your back

i guess, really, it's more like
what DON'T i want?

written from manhattan

i haven't done anything today. but it's a long weekend! feel like i don't have to do anything

gonna meet Daniel in a minute. we're goin shopping

what if i got real good at makeup. and became a beauty blogger. but one that was helpful and cool.

one could  live many lives and do many interesting things. something to think about!

an ethics of care

he tells me to touch him more

i oblige

i run my clumsy hands

up and down 

wondering if it's enough

i think women are supposed to know 

how to kiss

and murmur 

and caress

but i dont