si si si si si sis sisisisissisisisii

i took an airplane back to the AZ today

i was buckling my seat belt

and suddenly remembered being in high school

and how i used to constantly fantasize about being thin

i don't think i'm thin now

but i'm not overweight, i guess

i invest so much in arbitrary things

that probably won't make me happier

thats sort of what i'm getting at, i guess

life is easier in some ways compared to when i was 16

in a lot of ways

but mostly i feel the same way i did back then

holy shit my mom wants to leave for breakfast at 8 tomorrow

seems inhumane

sam the sam sam the sam sam the sam

vinita described it as a physical barrier separating you from other people
she couldn't reach them, they couldn't reach her

i only speak in large group settings
to remind people that i exist and i'm there
and i feel like i do so badly

i've felt so good the past few days
it felt unnerving
like it was too easy
too good to be true or something
this low state feels more comfortable

actually i feel not too bad
like a 4/10 versus a 1.5

i interviewed an artist today
she was kind of mean

i also ran 3.1 miles

will delete later

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i want a fucking boyfriend

or a girlfriend probably

i dont know how to derive pleasure from human interaction

i wasn't drunk enough tonight and it wasnt fun at all lol

post-title (lol)

updating my blog in the school library
because i have NO SHAME apparently

i feel bad
should i specify or can i leave it at that

i have to do a math problem set
i really don't want to!!!!!!!!!

when you look out the library window the view is really beautiful
it will not be that way in 3 months but RIGHT NOW..... DAMN

i should google "how to stop being so pessimistic" at some point
that is the root of all of my problems, maybe

i ran 2.77 miles this morning

i am a gross horrible parasite ;/

hopin you'll give me one more chance

college is boring and i'm not having fun lol

ymmv

i've spent most of today alone
it's felt fairly bad
but i didn't feel like exerting the effort to not be alone

(Are These Problems Other People Have? Probably Not)

last night............... oH BOY

so i brought a boy back to my dorm room
we were making out and he said
"have you been working out?"
and i very demurely and elegantly said
"yeah, a little"

then we started having sex
i got up to get a condom out of my drawer and was like
"i don't know if this is a good condom brand or not"
and he said something like "it probably is" dismissively

while we were having sex my roommate knocked on the door and was like
"I NEED MY MEDICINE FOR MY HYPOGLYCEMIA"
and i had to put on clothes to let her in
while he hid, naked, under the covers of my bed

all my friends were standing outside

everyone was mad
 he's a senior
and he has a single
and i was like "he said he doesn't have like, sheets for his bed"
(that was the reason he asked if we could use my room)
and sophie was like "you could've had sex on the floor"
1/2 joke
1/2 passive aggressive unwillingness to acknowledge my actions had sort of justifiable reasons behind them

my roommate and i haven't spoken since
perhaps we will never speak again
she will rise at dusk, come home as late as possible
the silence between us will become familiar and comfortable

i've felt angry at all of them all day
but now i sort of just............ don't care or something

this seems like a particularly bad period of my life
but maybe it's necessary for future personal growth

hooray hooray

i feel sick

i had a bowl of cheerios and a large cookie for dinner

maybe thats why

if i wasn't aware of the concept of "depression" 

would i still feel this way? 

i want to roll around naked on the dirty ground

i want someone to kiss me on the forehead and tell me i'm "doing alright"

i want to do 10 backflips then lie motionless for several years

no one will ever think about me as much as i think about myself

maybe the SECRET to HAPPINESS is never thinking about yourself

haha

what will i be
where will i go
what will my path be
when will i know
my life is spread before me
i see....................
POSSIBILITIES

your hamptons spouse

i'm waiting to pregame w some people
i'm watching modern family on hulu
modern family is okay

i alternate btwn feeling really affectionate towards people and really alienated from them

the activities fair is tomorrow.............
i should probably..... sign up for a new club

what is it like being really good at writing poetry
like, you write poems and people are like "wow yeah i had a strong emotional reaction to that!"
is it satisfying

i am the least ambitious person @ swarthmore i think

i'm thinking about applying to be a server at paces
since i have ReStAuRaNt ExPeRiEnCe

look at my fun stream of conscious style!!!

hhhhhhhhhhh

i'm reading Marx for my philosophy class
i agree with him more than i thought i would lol

i don't think i'm going to like any of my classes this semester

i think i've spent a lot of time the past few days
sitting and waiting for things to happen

i need to.............................................. idk

check it out check it out

i am alone in my dorm room

my hair is getting mullet-y

i'm gonna shamelessly let it get mullet-y

today was weird i feel weird

10 things i enjoy doing

1. lying outside in the shade in 100 degree weather

2. reading the youtube comments on music videos of pop songs

3. taking long walks outside

4. lying on the yoga mat at the end of a yoga class

5. singing while driving

6. picking up and holding my cat

7. spooning with someone after sex

8. dancing

i don't know if there are 10 things i genuinely enjoy doing!! :|

police report

i was surprised by her response and i am surprised by my response to her response

i am crying right now, without being sure why i am crying
i am being kind of childish

i don't think my parents understand me. i don't think i understand them
i don't know how a person like me emerged from a combination of their genes and this environment
i don't know how to solve or articulate these problems properly

maybe i don't have any other responses to "not getting my way" than crying

it's like i barely have enough energy to go about my life uninterrupted
and when things deviate from that in any way
i feel overwhelmed and angry

are children throwing tantrums aware that they are being unreasonable, on some level
do they feel a kind of powerlessness while watching their behavior unfold
almost as something separate from themselves

am i aware i'm being unreasonable
am i being unreasonable

report

i got a lot of my hair cut off

have been getting very into the kim kardashian app

there is a huge painful cystic zit on my chin

i have feel tired and sad a lot lately lol

every body

today i have consumed approximately 1477 calories, maybe more

i want to be so thin that no one ever again describes something i'm wearing
as either "flattering" or "unflattering"

i like drinking green tea
i like things you can consume in excess
without feeling bad about it later

i wear a size 6 and a size small t-shirt, usually
i would like to wear a size 2 and a size x-small
that seems like the logical stopping point

it seems weird that people usually say 'i am a size 10'
instead of 'i wear a size 10'

whats up w me rn

i feel like my limbs are very heavy
i feel like my body significantly disturbs the world whenever it moves
i feel like i could lie down in my bed for 49,000 hours continuously

i need to drink more water
i need to stop drinking coffee
i need to start doing yoga again

i will feel better once i've bought some new clothes
i will feel better once i can run a 5k
i will feel better once the acne scars disappear from my chin

when i go back

i will start drinking less. two drink maximum, missy!

i won't make eye contact with anyone i've kissed

i will continue to run regularly, or start swimming, or something

i will put time and effort into studying efficiently for all my classes

What If I Wrote In Here More Regularly

and in less... gross fragment things

there are thoughts in my brain that are worth elaborating on, maybe

is blogspot outdated enough that using it as a form of communication is kind of funny?? i only do things if they are kind of funny

i think i'm running out of music to listen to. i think i've listened to every song i like at least once today

how is it already 10:53 i'm supposed to be in bed by 11!!!