an ethics of care

he tells me to touch him more

i oblige

i run my clumsy hands

up and down 

wondering if it's enough

i think women are supposed to know 

how to kiss

and murmur 

and caress

but i dont 

life under the trump presidency

its bad

is poetry bad (yes)

i am anxious all of the time
my worry is constantly shifting from one thing to the next

it's like that beast
when you cut off its head
it grows three more heads
like its a snake thing maybe?

i am worried about my health
sometimes i feel lightheaded
and sometimes i feel a minor pain in my right side

i am worried about my future
no cover letters have been written
no job applications have been sent

i am very worried about you

you text me then i breathe a sigh of relief
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
then i think some more
and the dread always returns

google search: how to stop worrying

it's ok 2 b who u r

the last time i wrote in here was in july
and now it is september
the passage of time is UnSeTtLiNGG

back at swat
a place i miss when i'm not here
but hate when i am

it seems weird that other people hate swat
it seems like they should like it
because they are good at being here
whereas i am not

last night i drank a bunch and went out and ate a bunch afterwards
it was an ok experience
but i'm not the kind of person who enjoys partying
i would much rather Drink Tea Alone with A Good Book
because i am an introvert and an intellectual and a unique snowflake

my sense of humor is a bad thing that is detrimental to my life

i snuck into kims room while she was sleeping this morning
bc i needed to get my jacket, which had my id
it was a mad sus thing to do tho

i don't know where my drivers license is :/ :o

should i be doing my schoolwork now circle one YES NO

whats up

it's friday night!

i have the apartment to myself

so i am pantless

(FUCK PANTS!!!)

i am meditating every morning and night

i am diligently logging calories into 'myfitnesspal'

i am running semi-regularly

i am embarrassed by all of these things even tho they are good for me

is this blog for feelings or for life minutiae 

i think i forgot

i've been worrying a lot about the future

but also amazed i still have another year of college left 

it's like..... man, gotta do this again? no way!!

i hope my life changes for the better in the next year

i feel like it has since the past year

so presumably the trend will continue indefinitely

until i'm just like, the happiest

thoughtz

my mind has always been an asshole

latching onto some upsetting thing

then amplifying it, building more and more momentum

until everything is unnecessarily bleak as fuck

the idea of meditation being something joyful maybe seems weird

but i enjoy connecting back with my present environment 

and realizing that i dont have to fall down the same rabbit holes

if you allow yourself to uncritically examine the world around you

you can find so much hidden beauty

swarthmore is so green 

so many beautiful, picturesque trees

i am so grateful to be here

only child

learning how to live with other people is real hard! i'm not great at it!

wowowowowowowowowowowowooooo

i'm in hobbs rn

plain bagel w avocado 

soy latte

the aggressive vegan combo, one might call it

jeez i love avocados i love em so much

i should be calling my parents and grandmother more often

i could make an effort to have a good relationship with them

it would probably make me a happier person!

thought i was in the mood for more substantial reflection

but it seems like that is not the case 

if the pile of dishes in our kitchen isn't washed i'm gonna START A FIGHT w my roommate

(stay tuned)

hey hows it going

it took me several attempts to log into this blog
but i tried until i succeeded
let it be a lesson to us all

this would be a more accurate reflection of my life if i wrote every day
and not just when i was in a horrible mood

i've had a bad day
even though i was relatively productive
perhaps happiness is contingent on more than just productivity

i went to target, ran 3.1 miles, studied for the LSAT, read some of my book

the portrayal of rita skeeter in the goblet of fire movie was not great
they didn't really capture her essence

i read a diary entry of the person whose apartment i'm subletting
that's probably morally wrong
even if it didn't "hurt" anyone
could i will a world in which people read each others diary entries on a whim
would likely destroy journaling as an institution
(hey heads up i don't understand Kant)

i think the conclusion i've come to this summer is a lot of friends of mine aren't good friends
or, more accurately, not the kind of friends i need
and generally benefit from having
not sure what to do with that information

read somewhere the solution to depression is to just keep on showing up
despite what you're feeling in the moment
going through the motions of having a full and interesting life
until you actually feel like you have a full and interesting life

season 3 of bojack horseman is coming out soon
something to LOOK FORWARD TO

ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

it's summer time baby! catchin rays, sayin hey
i currently have MY OWN APARTMENT
(that i am subletting and sharing with Vin lol)
i am also working at the library
shelvin books, doing other various repetitive tasks

seems weird that we criticize people for wanting pity or attention
like those motivations arent divorced from genuine pain
but W H O  K N O W Z

anyways, i'm feelin kind of depressed
that's a funny thing to put in your blog
that you're kind of depressed

i'm almost done w college
i'm not sure if i have anything to show for it
feel like my life is wasting away, and i want to make the most of it

i made myself avocado toast
it was fucking delish
a true culinary experience

is it cool and fun and quirky that all theze blog entries end with some mundane detail about my life
to undercut the like, emotional stuff
it's a burden being 2 smart and cool to earnestly talk about my emotional experience as a person
a burden i bear with tremendous grace and poise

it's u it's u it's all 4 u

haven't been writing daily like i planned
o well
what are you gonna do

some people are naturally more anxious than other people
and you can develop strategies to manage that anxiety
but i think it's impossible to get rid of it entirely
at least it seems that way

i want to stop being so passive
here are some concrete things i want:
-to lose 15 pounds
-to get accepted into grad school (either law or a PhD program in philosophy)
-to improve at swing dance and rugby

i can do all of those things if i stop fucking around
being a real fuckhead
a real fuckin dingus

i think i ruined a potential friendship
not completely sure how? but i guess..... i dont know

"i dont want to date you because i only want to date people that want to date me because that is called having self-respect" -shoshanna (from the television show 'girls')

aight im gonna go do a facemask

hey bloggy blog

think i'm in the middle of a "depressive episode"
i slept 9.5 hours last night
then woke up and spent 40 minutes in bed
i have no real appetite
which is fine cuz i've gotten so used to eating regularly it doesnt matter
have had the urge to cry in public (successfully resisted it tho!!!)
also been thinking about suicide
like the possibility of killing myself
not super realistically

i have two papers that are due tonight/tomorrow lmao
and i need to start taking school seriously
so this isn't like, the best timing? to be having a mental health breakdown

i forgot how to deal with full-blown depression
just ride the wave
keep making responsible decisions
exercise regularly do work to the extent possible
should probably try to be social

alright time to get back to work!!! let's go bronett let's go

hasta luego

he said "i'll see you later"
because that's a thing you say

i walked out of his car
ran to catch my van
forgetting my keys and ID

i like being alone
being able to return to an equilibrium

if i'm sad it's only because i'm tired

back at swarthmore

i've been feeling so much better, in general. it's weird.

i have a ~~~~~~~~date~~~~~~~~ tonight

i didn't get a lot of sleep. i had a dream that was partially about playing tetris. perhaps it is a sign that i've been playing too much tetris.

there was a platonic dialogue where this really hot guy was like "i sexually propositioned socrates but he turned me down!! he's so magical i want some of his goodness." (not a direct quote) feel like i completely understand the thought process behind that

literally ancient greek philosophy was so good. now it's just a bunch of boring white men fighting over different forms of compatibalism or whatever

i had a dream several nights ago in which i told a guy i had a crush on him and he was like "i mean, i've thought about it about it. but the timing is bad." the weird thing was it felt exactly like how it would play out in real life.

i want to get over this insane crush. what was that quote about not looking for your other half, because you're like, a whole person. seems #true

ding ding ding ding ding

one of my goals should be to write every day again
writing on the Internet seems easier than writing in an actual journal
even if it means I feel less comfortable talking about things/people super super openly

i haven't figured out whether the tendency to overanalyze my emotional experiences is actually conducive to growing as a person, or whether it's ultimately bad for me
i think probably some sorting out of things is necessary
but there are times when i turn over the same thing over and over, only making things worse

this week was weird
i used to think i was the kind of person who enjoyed being alone for long periods of time
to some extent, i am
but being at college has made me feel Bad about any time not spent studying/with people/doing something productive
like it's embarrassing to have Free Time

i didn't really do anything over break
didn't read or hang out with anyone or get ahead of work

still don't have plans for the summer but i did finally apply for the some things!!! and i will apply for more things in the future

i want to make an effort to start writing creatively. i have a lot of different ideas, and it would be good to actually Produce something

i'm not completely sure what will make me happy but i want to be the kind of person who pursues the things they want instead of just passively letting things happen