it's u it's u it's all 4 u

haven't been writing daily like i planned
o well
what are you gonna do

some people are naturally more anxious than other people
and you can develop strategies to manage that anxiety
but i think it's impossible to get rid of it entirely
at least it seems that way

i want to stop being so passive
here are some concrete things i want:
-to lose 15 pounds
-to get accepted into grad school (either law or a PhD program in philosophy)
-to improve at swing dance and rugby

i can do all of those things if i stop fucking around
being a real fuckhead
a real fuckin dingus

i think i ruined a potential friendship
not completely sure how? but i guess..... i dont know

"i dont want to date you because i only want to date people that want to date me because that is called having self-respect" -shoshanna (from the television show 'girls')

aight im gonna go do a facemask

hey bloggy blog

think i'm in the middle of a "depressive episode"
i slept 9.5 hours last night
then woke up and spent 40 minutes in bed
i have no real appetite
which is fine cuz i've gotten so used to eating regularly it doesnt matter
have had the urge to cry in public (successfully resisted it tho!!!)
also been thinking about suicide
like the possibility of killing myself
not super realistically

i have two papers that are due tonight/tomorrow lmao
and i need to start taking school seriously
so this isn't like, the best timing? to be having a mental health breakdown

i forgot how to deal with full-blown depression
just ride the wave
keep making responsible decisions
exercise regularly do work to the extent possible
should probably try to be social

alright time to get back to work!!! let's go bronett let's go

hasta luego

he said "i'll see you later"
because that's a thing you say

i walked out of his car
ran to catch my van
forgetting my keys and ID

i like being alone
being able to return to an equilibrium

if i'm sad it's only because i'm tired

back at swarthmore

i've been feeling so much better, in general. it's weird.

i have a ~~~~~~~~date~~~~~~~~ tonight

i didn't get a lot of sleep. i had a dream that was partially about playing tetris. perhaps it is a sign that i've been playing too much tetris.

there was a platonic dialogue where this really hot guy was like "i sexually propositioned socrates but he turned me down!! he's so magical i want some of his goodness." (not a direct quote) feel like i completely understand the thought process behind that

literally ancient greek philosophy was so good. now it's just a bunch of boring white men fighting over different forms of compatibalism or whatever

i had a dream several nights ago in which i told a guy i had a crush on him and he was like "i mean, i've thought about it about it. but the timing is bad." the weird thing was it felt exactly like how it would play out in real life.

i want to get over this insane crush. what was that quote about not looking for your other half, because you're like, a whole person. seems #true

ding ding ding ding ding

one of my goals should be to write every day again
writing on the Internet seems easier than writing in an actual journal
even if it means I feel less comfortable talking about things/people super super openly

i haven't figured out whether the tendency to overanalyze my emotional experiences is actually conducive to growing as a person, or whether it's ultimately bad for me
i think probably some sorting out of things is necessary
but there are times when i turn over the same thing over and over, only making things worse

this week was weird
i used to think i was the kind of person who enjoyed being alone for long periods of time
to some extent, i am
but being at college has made me feel Bad about any time not spent studying/with people/doing something productive
like it's embarrassing to have Free Time

i didn't really do anything over break
didn't read or hang out with anyone or get ahead of work

still don't have plans for the summer but i did finally apply for the some things!!! and i will apply for more things in the future

i want to make an effort to start writing creatively. i have a lot of different ideas, and it would be good to actually Produce something

i'm not completely sure what will make me happy but i want to be the kind of person who pursues the things they want instead of just passively letting things happen